A number of years ago, through what seemed to me to be an incredible set of circumstances, I became aware of a situation that could very likely have caused a lot of emotional pain to a dear friend of mine. I know that you may be curious, but I cannot reveal the specific circumstances, because to do so would greatly hurt or offend some people. I can only describe the situation in general terms. The specific details which I have intentionally omitted are not important. What really matters is how I responded to the situation and the incredible adventure that occurred as a result.
Part I: The Set-Up
It felt like a set-up. It felt like God had set up a situation and engineered things so that I would become aware of some important information. After having been entrusted with this information, I thought God must now want me to do something with it. However, the information was given to me in confidence. So what could I do? I could not betray confidentiality—that might lead to an explosive situation and everyone involved could end up being deeply hurt. But if I did nothing, my friend would probably experience a lot of emotional pain. I had to do something, but what?
I went home and decided to pray. I follow the Bahá’í Faith, so I reached for a Bahá’í prayer book. I called out to God through Bahá’í prayers as well as my own. I prayed from my heart. I asked for guidance. After praying, it felt like the right thing to do was to talk to my friend. I decided that I would not break confidentiality, but simply say that I had become aware of some information that indicated to me that she needed to give her attention to a certain situation. I called my friend on the telephone. I said we needed to talk about something. We agreed to meet later that day at her home.
After arriving at her home, I waited outside for awhile and asked God to help me during the meeting. Then I rang the doorbell and she welcomed me. After some preliminary small talk, I plunged right in. I said that I had become aware of a situation and that I wanted to make her aware of this same situation. It would then be up to her if she wanted to act on this information.
I shared with her the general circumstances, but did not mention names or give details that might lead her to discover the names. In my mind, that meant that I did not really break confidentiality. I just bent it a little.
We then had a very long discussion. She wanted more specific details, but I held firm. By the end of our conversation, she did not know exactly what she was going to do, but she said she would figure out an appropriate way to address the problem. I said I would pray for her. I gave her a friendship hug and we said goodbye.
On my way home it felt like I had done the right thing. It felt like God had trusted me with some information and that I had proved worthy of His trust. I did what God wanted me to do. I played the part He had designed for me. I had just done a noble deed. It felt good.
Part II: Storming the Gates of Heaven with Prayer
The next day I visited the woman I was dating. That evening we had some quality time together and then she dumped me. She said she was not attracted to me. She said she did not want to lead me on because I would get hurt. I had felt so close to her, but now it was over. I was angry, I was hurt, and I could not hold back the tears.
When I got home, I decided that I was not going to take this. It was not fair that I had just done this favour for God and then had experienced such deep emotional pain. I thought I had a case that I could take to the Almighty Himself. I resolved that I was going to pray and that I was not going to stop praying until something happened. I did not know exactly what would happen—that would be up to God. But I would know when it happened. Turning to God in prayer seemed to be the only thing I could do. I could not turn to the woman who had just dumped me because that would just drive her further away.
So that night I started to pray, using Bahá’í prayers and talking to God in my own words. I poured all my emotions into my prayers. All my hurt and anger, all my desires—I threw in the kitchen sink! I prayed with everything I had.
One of the prayers I said that night is known as the Long Obligatory Prayer. Bahá’ís have three obligatory prayers—a short one, a medium length prayer, and a long prayer—and we are supposed to say at least one of them each day. I usually say the Short Obligatory Prayer because it only takes a few seconds. I always had difficulty using the Long Obligatory Prayer. There are actions in this prayer that seemed strange to me. Much of the text was difficult for me to understand. Some passages are similar to other passages in the prayer and I never understood the reasons for that. Also, because of its length, my mind usually wandered. I would say the words, but my thoughts would be somewhere else, and then I would forget where I was in the prayer. But for some reason, that night I was inspired to say the Long Obligatory Prayer. When I said this prayer, pouring my heart into each word, my mind did not wander and I understood everything as I was saying it. I understood the actions, too. That prayer has levels of meaning. That night I at least got to the first level. (Many years later I used these insights to create the book, A Ladder to Heaven, which is a commentary on the Long Obligatory Prayer.)
I prayed until I needed to go to sleep. When I woke up the next day, the first thing I did was pray. I prayed on the bus to work. I prayed at work. On the outside it looked like I was working at a computer terminal, but on the inside I would be talking to God, pouring my heart out through prayer. I prayed when I got home from work. I prayed throughout the evening and tears ran down my cheeks.
In addition to prayer, I also used two Bahá’í invocations. One was “Yá Bahá’u’l-Abhá” (pronounced “yáw-Ba-há-ol-Ab-há”), which is known as the Greatest Name. It means, “O Thou the Glory of Glories!” But when I say it, it means something like, “God, I need Your help and I need it now!” The other invocation was “Yá Alláh’u’l-Mustaghágh” (pronounced “yáw-Al-láh-ol-Móst-a-goss”). The Bahá’í who taught me that invocation said it should only be used in special circumstances, when you are desperate for help. The word “Mustaghágh” means “He Who is invoked.” Literally, I think it means, “O God, Who is invoked!” (It has also been translated as “O God on Whom we call for help!”) But he said it meant, “O God, Whose help is sought most desperately!” Well, I was desperate. Desperate times called for desperate measures. I used both invocations repeatedly, with all my heart.
In the days that followed I prayed and used the invocations as much as I could. I prayed with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength. Each day I gained momentum. Each day was better than the one before. Each day my prayers were more fervent. They had more energy, more drive, more urgency. Each day I became more and more determined that I was not going to stop praying until something happened. But nothing happened, so I just kept on praying.
I had an image of myself that I was storming the gates of heaven with prayer. A friend of mine once explained that image to me. He said that if you stand outside a house and knock on the door timidly, perhaps the person inside might not hear you and may not come to the door. Maybe the person inside is sleeping. But if you start pounding on the door with your fists, making a lot of noise, whoever is inside is going to get up and rush to the door to find out what you want. I had this image that I was pounding on the gates of heaven with my prayers and that I was making a big spiritual racket. I thought that maybe if I made enough spiritual noise, my prayers would be heard. And I was not going to stop praying until something happened. But nothing happened, so I just kept on praying and pouring my heart out to God. And each day I became more and more focused and determined.
My prayers evolved. At first, it was like I wanted to order God around. I wanted this door to open here and that door to open there. I wanted this opportunity to come to that person. Eventually I realized that I did not have the big picture. Only God has the big picture. Only God is all-knowing and all-wise. Maybe some of the specific things I was praying for might not have been right over the long term. Maybe I was asking for the wrong things. So I started to pray for general healing to take place. I left it up to God to decide whatever form that healing would take. Whatever God wanted was O.K. with me. But nothing happened, so I just kept on praying. And each day was better than the one before.
There is a prayer in some Bahá’í prayer books that is known as the Long Healing Prayer and I got into the habit of saying this prayer on a daily basis. Even though it is eight pages long in my prayer book, I said that prayer with 100% focus. I poured my heart into each word of that prayer. By the middle of that prayer, tears would be streaming down my cheeks.
I prayed about other things as well—not just about my broken heart and the woman who dumped me. I prayed for my friend. I prayed about problems within the Bahá’í community.
At some point I also began to think of God as my friend. Bahá’u’lláh, the Prophet-Founder of the Bahá’í Faith, teaches that God is an “unknowable Essence.” However, He also says that God is the “incomparable Friend” and in some Bahá’í prayers God is called a “Friend.” So I began to think of God as my best Friend. To me that meant that, if I was ever in any difficulty, I had a very powerful Friend Who would back me up every inch of the way. But maybe my Friend would not answer my prayers in the way that I would like, because maybe what I want would not really be good for me. My Friend would answer my prayers in a way that would be right for me. Thinking of God in this way caused me to pour my heart out to Him even more than before.
If God was my Friend, to me that meant that Bahá’u’lláh was also my Friend. So I started to talk to Bahá’u’lláh like many Christians talk to Jesus. I had never done this before. I did not pray to Bahá’u’lláh, but I talked to Him and asked for His help.
But nothing happened, so I just kept on praying. And each day I was more determined than the day before. Each day I had more momentum. My prayers had more energy, more drive, more urgency.
Part III: The Energy Field
By the end of the third week, I felt a feeling of lightness around my head and chest area. I thought that my prayers were becoming so fervent and heartfelt that they were having a physical effect on my body. By the end of the fourth week that feeling of lightness had intensified and expanded to envelop my whole body. Whenever I prayed, it felt like I had entered into an energy field. The energy I experienced was soothing and calming. It also caused a pleasant, physical sensation which I could feel throughout my body.
Often the energy field was accompanied by feelings of deep relaxation. The only way I can describe it is to compare it to a massage. The person giving the massage first loosens up the outer muscles and then works on the inner muscles to get at the deeper tension. So massage is relaxation starting from the outside and working in. The relaxation I was experiencing during prayer was from the inside working out. It was much more complete. It felt like deep-rooted tension, which I had probably carried around for years, was letting go, especially in my calves and lower back.
I shared this experience with my friend. I told her that when I prayed, feelings of deep physical relaxation would come over me. She said it was probably a sign that my prayers were becoming more pure and detached. But nothing else happened, so I just kept on praying.
Over the next few weeks, I found that I could maintain the energy field after prayer. The sensation of being inside an energy field did not disappear when I stopped praying. It would linger for awhile. It seemed that the harder I prayed, the longer this sensation would remain.
I resolved within myself that I would try to maintain this sensation of being within an energy field for as much as I could throughout the entire day. At first it seemed very fragile and I could only do simple things, like thinking of an idea or going for a walk. As I worked with it, I gradually learned to do more complex activities while still maintaining the energy field. I discovered that if I ever became upset or angry at something or if there was an emergency at work where I had to drop everything and focus on one thing—the energy field would vanish in a second. I would soon notice that the physical sensations were gone. Then I would centre myself, tune into my spiritual side, and the energy field would return. The more I learned to maintain the energy field, the more natural it felt to me. It began to feel unnatural not to be experiencing the energy field.
I discovered that using the invocation “Yá Bahá’u’l-Abhá” was a good way to strengthen and maintain the energy field. Whenever I used that invocation, I would feel waves of calming energy ripple through my body. If I had any impure thoughts, that invocation would have a cleansing effect on them. If I noticed a weakening of the energy field, I would use that invocation a number of times and the energy field would be strengthened.
I also discovered that I could affect the intensity of the energy field. The stronger my prayers were, the more heartfelt they were, the more loving my thoughts were—the stronger the energy field would become.
Reading Bahá’í Scripture was another way I could maintain the energy field. Bahá’í Scripture consists of the Writings of the three Central Figures of the Faith: (1) Bahá’u’lláh, the Prophet-Founder of the Bahá’í Faith, (2) the Báb, Bahá’u’lláh’s Forerunner, and (3) ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’u’lláh’s eldest son. Bahá’í Scripture is translated into classical English and often contains words and concepts that are hard to understand. Previously, I could only read one or two pages of these translations and then I would get mentally tired and have to stop. Now I began to experience Bahá’í Scripture in a whole new way. Whenever I read Bahá’í Scripture, the energy field would envelop me, but it felt a little different. It felt like God was giving me a big spiritual hug. I could read Bahá’í Scripture for two or three hours at a time. The style of translation no longer bothered me. There are usually levels of meaning in Bahá’í Scripture, but it seemed that I was able to understand everything on at least the first level. I started to read all the books by Bahá’u’lláh, the Báb, and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, which have been translated into English—about twenty books. I read them, one after the other, in a period of about one year and four months.
Bahá’í Scripture contains high standards of personal conduct. Previously, it seemed impossible that I could ever reach those standards. But as I read Bahá’í Scripture within the warm embrace of the energy field, I believed I could eventually reach all of those lofty ideals. I developed a positive image of myself and what I could one day become.
My understanding of the Bahá’í Writings became much deeper. For example, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá quotes the Prophet Muhammad as saying, “Prayer is a ladder by which every one can ascend to heaven.” It is one thing to read that quotation and come to an intellectual understanding of what it means. It is another thing to experience the truth of that quotation. And I was definitely experiencing some very wonderful things.
Eventually, I equated being within the energy field to being in a state of prayer. Within that energy field, I was aware of my Creator. It seemed that I would enter into a subconscious dialogue with God whenever I was within the energy field. The subconscious dialogue seemed to be: “God, what do You want me to do now? Please help me do things the way You want them done.”
Sometimes I would go to a park and in the silence of my heart I would talk to God by saying, “God, where do you want me to go now?” Then I would rotate my body 360 degrees and I would notice that the energy field felt stronger when I faced a certain direction. Then I would walk in that direction and I often found that I would meet someone, perhaps an old friend, and we would have a wonderful conversation together.
When I experienced the energy field, it often felt like I was in the world, but not of it. I could work, talk, and move within the outer world, but my heart was not attracted to worldly things. My heart was attracted to the heavenly realms. Sometimes when I went for a walk, it felt like I was walking in the clouds.
I had never heard of any Bahá’í talk about an energy field, so it seemed to me that I was having an experience which was not common among Bahá’ís. I told some Bahá’í friends about what was happening to me and most of them seemed fascinated. Some were inspired. But nothing else happened, so I just kept on praying and gathering momentum.
Part IV: Changes in Lifestyle and Perception
I began to experience major changes in my lifestyle. Of course, I had already experienced a major change when I committed myself to saying prayers. Previously, I had spent very little time in prayer. I had even gone for months without praying at all. So saying prayers throughout the day was a major change. The more I learned to live within the energy field, the more I experienced changes that were even more profound.
Although I prayed and talked to God throughout the day, the end of the day was a special time for me. Before going to sleep, I would not only pray to God, but I would express my love for Him as well. It was then that I would commune with my Beloved. It was then that I would have my strongest experiences of inner peace and abiding love.
Since the energy field would disappear whenever I was angry, upset, or agitated, I had to adjust my inner thoughts, perceptions, and feelings in order to maintain the energy field. This led me to a new way of life. I became calmer and much more easy-going.
My sleeping patterns underwent a major change. I was always the type of person who slept in until the last possible moment. Then I would drag myself out of bed, throw on some clothes, wash up, not have anything for breakfast, and rush out the door—just in time to catch the last possible bus. I would usually arrive at work with seconds to spare. Living within the energy field caused me to need a lot less sleep. Whereas before I needed at least eight hours of sleep each day, I now found myself functioning very well on just five or six hours of sleep per day. Each morning I would wake up one or two hours earlier than before. I felt completely relaxed and refreshed, like I had just spent the night nestled in the warm and gentle embrace of God, my all-loving Friend. Then I would say some prayers and leisurely get ready to go to work. While riding on the bus, I would talk to God in the silence of my own heart. I would have breakfast in a restaurant near my workplace. Then, after saying some more silent prayers, I would arrive at work early.
I used to get very lonely. My loneliness was often mixed with sexual longing. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. After a few months of communing with God through prayer and trying to live within the energy field as much as I could, I realized that I had not been lonely in a long time. Perhaps it was because I had strengthened my connection with God. He had become my best Friend and constant Companion.
Maintaining the energy field (and, with it, the feeling of being connected to God) affected my behaviour in other ways which are too personal to describe in detail. If you and I were to go for coffee, and if you really wanted to know specifically what these changes were, I would tell you. However, they are too personal to divulge in this written version of my story.
Over the years, I had acquired a great intellectual understanding and appreciation of the Faith of God and was very committed to it. But I was an intellectual giant and a spiritual midget at the same time. (Not that there is anything wrong with that. You have to start somewhere. In fact, it is praiseworthy to acquire an intellectual understanding of the Faith of God. However, it is more praiseworthy to put that understanding into practice.) Anyway, because my spirituality was weak, living a chaste and holy life, which Bahá’ís are supposed to do, was a challenge for me. Some of my secret thoughts and desires tended to lead me astray. I developed beliefs about myself which lessened my guilt feelings. I told myself that living in North American society, with its rampant materialism and moral decay, made it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to live a chaste and holy life. But after several months of prayer and experiencing the energy field, this became a lot easier. Those improper secret thoughts and desires had decreased substantially and had lost much of their power to lead me astray.
The thoughts of my mind and the energies of my heart were more and more focused on prayer and communion with God and I gradually stopped feeding those thoughts and desires. When you stop adding fuel to a fire, eventually it burns itself out. Perhaps a different way to look at this would be to say that each person has different needs and desires. The more we progress on the spiritual path, the more our needs and desires will change.
Since my new lifestyle no longer conformed to my previously held beliefs about myself, I revised those beliefs. It seemed to me that through prayer I had stumbled onto a spiritual path. Living a chaste and holy life no longer seemed to be an impossible ideal. Rather, it seemed to be the natural outcome of following a spiritual path.
Since I no longer felt compelled to engage in the activities that had led me astray, I wondered what had caused these compulsions. It seemed to me that misplaced desire, the momentum that had built up through years of pursuing my wayward desires, and what I had believed about myself were all major factors in the development of my improper appetites, drives, needs, and compulsions. It also seemed that other people had influenced my thoughts and behaviour.
As I re-examined the beliefs and assumptions I had held about myself, it seemed that many people base their whole lives on beliefs and assumptions that are simply not true. They might seem to be true, but in reality, they are false assumptions. For example, many people believe that happiness lies in a certain direction. More often than not, this happiness turns out to be temporary. Often, what people think will bring happiness only leads to disillusionment and despair. Many people believe they will become happy by fulfilling their worldly desires. However, one desire is gradually replaced with several new desires, and each of those desires is then replaced with several more desires, and so on. Therefore, people who are driven by the need to fulfill their worldly desires, never experience real peace or lasting happiness.
History records that some people became so spiritually strong that they could only be described as saintly and angelic. People who are saints are not motivated by the pursuit of sensual pleasure or other worldly desires. They have found something far more important and fulfilling. They have found the way to true happiness. As for me, it seemed like I was well on my way.
Walking on a spiritual path also seemed to awaken my powers of intuition. For example, there was someone who was hard to get hold of and all my friends had difficulty contacting him. But I had no problem. There would be a feeling in my heart that he might be home. Then I would telephone him and, sure enough, he would answer the phone.
My creativity also blossomed. I started to write songs and lyrics. I thought of projects that channeled my creativity. I gave talks that were powerful and uplifting.
My life was an adventure. Each day I became stronger on the spiritual path. Each day I made a new spiritual discovery or gained a special insight.
Meanwhile, my friend was able to take appropriate steps to remedy her situation. As for the woman who dumped me, nothing ever happened. I had resolved not to stop praying until something happened. But the only thing that changed was me.
Part V: The Descent
After about a year and a half, I became curious. What would happen if I decreased the number of prayers I was saying by about half? What would happen if I said only one prayer a day? I started to coast.
Coasting, I now know, is about the worst thing you can do on the spiritual path. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá teaches that each one of us is like a bird and this bird must always be ascending to new spiritual heights. If you start to coast, three things can happen next: you can go up, you can stay on the same level, or you can go down. But if you always go up, you will never go down.
Not fully understanding this, I started to coast and then, gradually, I went down. At first, my descent was imperceptible. Then I started to notice that I was at a lower spiritual level (if I can describe spiritual truth in a physical way). As the days, weeks, and months went by, I noticed it more and more. Eventually I landed at a spot not far from where I had started. However, I did not lose all the spiritual progress I had made. If I put my mind and heart to it, I could still feel connected to God, as well as experience the energy field. And I could also remember and ponder over what I had experienced.
Part VI: Conclusions
From these experiences, I have concluded that there is a higher level of existence. Most people are so caught up in worldly desires, cares, and responsibilities, that they are not aware of this higher level of existence. I believe that each one of us can tune into this higher reality. If we do so, this higher level will bring us peace, happiness, love, and a host of other blessings. I only scratched the surface of this higher level of existence. There are many, many levels higher than the one I just barely touched. Spiritual progress is infinite.
It takes a lot of energy to get to the next level. And you can never coast. You always have to keep going up. As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá says, “You must ever press forward, never standing still; avoid stagnation, the first step to a backward movement, to decay.” I hope I have learned my lesson.
Perhaps I was not able to maintain an upward spiritual ascent because my original intention was limited. I did not set out to make spiritual progress. I just wanted God to fix some problems and that was it. Spiritual progress was just something I stumbled into. Making spiritual progress was never a huge motivation for me. However, my experience with increased spirituality has whetted my appetite, so to speak. My thirst for spirituality has since led me to more experiences. My life has become a spiritual adventure. The more I think about what has happened to me, the greater my thirst for spirituality becomes. One day, when my thirst for spirituality becomes big enough and strong enough, perhaps I will ride on the wings of this longing until I reach the glorious spiritual realms above.
From time to time I share my story with others, in the hope that it might inspire them and increase their thirst for spirituality. Bahá’ís often ask, “Do I have to say that many prayers to become spiritual? Does it not say in the Bahá’í Writings not to pray so much that it makes you tired?” I respond by saying that there are many ways to increase one’s spirituality, but praying is very important, especially when prayers are said with all one’s heart. Certainly, I would not have made my spiritual breakthrough if I had not prayed as much as I did. Often it would reach a point where it felt like I had prayed enough for now. Then I temporarily did other things. For me, however, prayer was never tiresome. Communing with my Beloved was always (and still is) energizing and uplifting. Prayer is a source of happiness and inner strength.
During Bahá’u’lláh’s time, there were some early followers of the Faith who were going through great difficulties and hardship. Bahá’u’lláh encouraged them to recite a short prayer written by the Báb. (This prayer is now known to Bahá’ís as “The Remover of Difficulties.”) Bahá’u’lláh asked them to say this prayer “five hundred times, nay, a thousand times” each day. He said if they did this, “tiers of light” would “descend upon them.” I think that Bahá’u’lláh meant that if they said this prayer throughout the day, as often as they could, their lives would become illumined. I think that is what happened to me, except I used different tools. I did not use the tool known as the Remover of Difficulties. The tools I used were: (1) Bahá’í prayers, (2) prayers in my own words, and (3) the invocations. But I think the same thing happened. I think my life became illumined.
While experiencing these changes to my lifestyle and perceptions, I realized more and more just how powerful the teachings of the Bahá’í Faith are. Bahá’ís believe that the Bahá’í Faith is the ancient Faith of God, adapted for modern times. Bahá’u’lláh wrote, “This is the changeless Faith of God, eternal in the past, eternal in the future.” The teachings of the Faith of God are very powerful. Throughout history, countless individuals have used these teachings to transform themselves into spiritual giants. I mean, there I was, experiencing incredible changes in my life, and all I was doing was praying! That was it! I was putting just one teaching into practice. What would happen to me if I put more of these teachings into practice? What would happen to you?
I need to mention one more thing. I have met some very spiritual Bahá’ís. They have made great spiritual progress, largely due to their sacrificial efforts to promote the Cause of God. Yet, not one of them mentioned an energy field. So perhaps different people experience things differently. You might not experience things in the same way that I did. You probably have needs which are different from mine. Therefore, your journey will likely be different. Whatever form your spiritual journey takes, I know it will be right for you.